Running Up That Hill by Claire Roe

"How do you know if someone is a runner?"

"Don't worry; they'll tell you."

As little as 18 months ago, I would have definitely been guilty of cracking the joke above. However, yesterday I bought my third ‘proper’ pair of running shoes, which meant today was ‘new running shoes” day and I was actually excited. Yes, I was excited because nice, new, shiny things are always exciting, aren’t they? But actually, there is a bit more to this; running for me has become symbolic of ‘the journey’. It’s not really about running at all. Let me share my story and explain what I mean.

In March 2020, I was awarded a fully funded PhD with the University of Derby. I was, and always will be, eternally grateful for this opportunity. Deep down inside of me, tucked away behind what you are supposed to say you want when you are a 40-something year old teacher, was an enduring ambition to do a doctorate. It was so buried that I’d almost forgotten about it. (Almost…) The opportunity was for full time study, so I took this opportunity to make the career move I really wanted as well and gave up my part-time teaching post. In addition to this, my other part-time position at the National Justice Museum was on hold whilst the cultural world tried to navigate the COVID-19 restrictions and fear around social contact that was at its height in summer 2020. Everything was changing for everybody and whilst some of my change was my own decision, much of it was also out of my hands.

In September 2020, I began my doctorate. I was excited, but I was also extremely nervous. People who did doctorates were SMART. They KNEW STUFF. What on earth was I doing on this journey? How on earth was I going to ever be ‘academic’ enough? As my PhD journey gained momentum, I realised that my working day now looked very different. As a teacher and museum workshop facilitator I walked… A LOT. To and from work, to the staffroom, around the museum, on playground duty… I was always on my feet. I didn’t mind this. I like walking. It is a sensible, practical, environmentally friendly thing to do. Now though, researching mainly from my laptop as university was still closed, the only walk I got was to the kitchen to make tea. My body did not like this.

I began going for walks at lunchtime. I enjoyed them, but I was always dissatisfied as I just could not get the same number of steps in as I used to. For a reason I couldn’t pinpoint, this made me feel sad. ‘I just need to go further, faster.’ I thought… and then inwardly groaned. Faster than walking was running, wasn’t it? I couldn’t believe that thought had even flashed through my mind. I didn’t run to the bar for last orders, never mind a bus. I forged so many sicknotes for P.E. at school that I’m surprised they didn’t call for the school nurse. Running??? ‘Nope’ I thought firmly as I strode through the park with purpose. But the idea wouldn’t go away…

So, in December 2020 during that weird ‘betwixtmas’ bit between Christmas and New Year, I left my house one morning for a run. I chose a time I knew very few people would be about and used the Couch to 5k programme to help me as I had zero idea what I was doing. I ran 5 lots of 60 seconds with 90 second breaks in between. I felt awesome afterwards. Not just physically either. I looked around for a random stranger to smile at in triumph. There wasn’t anyone of course; I’d deliberately picked a time that was deserted, hadn’t I?

And that was how it started. I told a select few people I was doing it. My partner, who raised an eyebrow from behind the novel he was reading, may have been quietly (and justifiably) sceptical but was always supportive. (He’s since lost his scepticism, I might add.) My runner best mate and her multi-marathon running partner were there for non-judgemental accountability and advice. I joined the C25K Facebook group and discovered I wasn’t the only 40-something woman who had taken up running in lockdown. Crikey! Who knew?! Then, the really funny thing began to happen…

… I started to see running as synonymous with my PhD journey. ‘For goodness’ sake woman! If you can run 5k you can write a literature review!’ my brain would tell me when the writer’s block and imposter syndrome were real. ‘C’mon! One foot in front of the other! If you can write a methodology you can run 10k!’. I am now a C25K graduate in the Facebook group who helps and encourages others when they are just starting out. I began to realise that running was a sort of analogy for, well, life really. No one laces up running shoes and run a marathon first time. You’d never make it and it would hurt. Yet, turning up to those runs week in, week out and building slowly made the magic start to happen. Same with my PhD, same with anything. We start feeling entirely out of our comfort zone and gradually, almost imperceptibly, start moving towards where we want to go.

I passed my PhD Transfer of Registration in March about three days before I ran my first official 10-mile race. I discovered I’d been accepted as a Culture Syndicates Heritage Assistant about four weeks before I found out I’d been accepted into this year’s Great North Run. The shoes I bought yesterday will see me through that first official half marathon. What will happen on my Culture Syndicates journey in that time, I wonder? As someone who is switching professions, the imposter syndrome and anxiety is definitely there, as it was with the PhD. Now, however, I understand that I won’t know everything about this new journey immediately, but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will ultimately get where I want to be.

Today’s ‘new shoes’ run was beautifully sunny; I think that’s a great way to start to a new journey. Here’s wishing you all your own happy journey, however you chose to travel it.

Claire Roe

Heritage Assistant